August 21, 2005

What I'll always remember

This is the first time I've written here since she's left. I can't find the strength in me to write each and every account or to even remember the whole ordeal. Some people would think that I've completely lost my mind to be feeling the way I feel, even until now. The truth is, the memories burn like fire through me and I can't breathe. It hurts. I try to look at the beauty of it all, the beauty in those wonderful memories but they are soon clouded by the vivid pictures of her life slipping away before me.

In my life, never have I seen such a painful sight of losing someone I love most dearly. I have never seen the ones I love slowly slip away from me, in a hospital, where there was nothing I could do. I have never seen so much pain...til that very night. It was a moment I experienced that would make me suffer for a lifetime.

She sneezed out blood. We had long known that she has not been in good health. She was given to my family that way. It was surprising how she lasted for 14 years. I received a phone call from my girlfriend. I was at work. She left me a voice message and asked me to call right away. I was frantic by the sound of her voice. I called as soon as I got the message. She had given me the news that my dog has been sneezing out blood and she refuses to eat. I broke down and said: "We have to bring her to the vets." At the time, my family was on a business trip. I made a long distance call to my Mother and I ran all the way home after. I took my bagpack from work and the only thing I said was: "I gotta go." I ran past every traffic light and I didn't stop running til I got home. My hands shook and I tried so hard to steady it with the other for my key to slip into the lock of my door. I was so scared and I didn't know what to expect.

I opened the door and there she was. She stood up and barked for me like she always did when I got home. I fell on my knees, broke down in tears and picked her up and hugged her so tightly and said to her: "Hang in there...please...for me...promise me, you'll be'll be okay." My girlfriend, Cris, was suprised that my little munchkin got up for me. She said that the dog had been lifeless since I had left for work in the morning. I was gasping for air and I couldn't breathe properly but I was relieved that she was in my arms. I crushed some pellets and fed the food to her with my hand. She ate from my palm. Then I gave her some water...Cris said that she refused to eat while I was out working.

While Cris was getting ready, I made a phonecall the the vets' and made an appointment. Soon, I dressed my dog up in her jacket, the jacket she wore in the picture I had previously posted in this site. I stuffed some food and towels in my bagpack and we were on our way. We took a cab there. When we reached the place, I filled up some forms and they took some information about her. They needed to get some blood from her. I almost died when they poked the needle through her neck. They did it repeatedly because they couldn't draw out the blood they needed. I turned and faced the wall as I cried my heart out. I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain. Finally, the nurse decided to take her into the other room. When she got back, a patch of fur was shaved off of my little dog's neck and I could see a number of needle marks on the shaved area of her skin.

The doctor could not identify what was the main cause of her nosebleed. He did however, said that she had a liver infection and he gave her a shot and prescriptions. I also bought some food recommended by the doctor. He suggested that we could have her stay in the hospital but after speaking with my Mom over the phone, we decided to take her home for the night and go back 2 days later to have another check up. On our way home, we passed by a pet store. I wanted to cheer her up, so we went in and I asked her to pick out the goodies that she wanted to eat. She chose a pack of doggy cheese cubes and some sausages. In the cab, on our way home, I fed them to her and she ate like there was no tomorrow. I thought she'd be okay...but sadly, I was wrong. She didn't last that long...she couldn't...

The next day, while at work, Cris called again. I took off from work and once again I found myself running past every traffic light, bumping into people and things as I kept running. I told Cris to arrange an emergency appointment but the only available slot was 2 hours later. There wasn't much else we could do because other clinics close at around 4-5pm. It was already about 5pm that time. We had to wait. They said that they would arrange us for the first appointment of the evening. When we got there, they didn't entertain us right away. It was at least 830pm when we got our turn. They said that they would give us the 8 o'clock schedule. I could feel her in my arms growing weak. Her ears were red and the breath that dampened my arm was so warm. I looked into her eyes and I could see that she was having a hard time. They were bloodshot. I began to lose myself. I was screaming at the receptionist and swearing at the top of my lungs.

When the doctor had a look at her. He didn't seem to be optimistic himself. He just said..."She appears to be very ill but we'll do what we can to help her. She has to stay here tonight and we have to run further tests." Then, a man took her away. It took hours until I saw her again. This time, when I saw her, she was in an incubator. She seemed alright. She seemed lively. The doctor said he was surprised she got up. I think she was just trying to be strong for me. She probably knew that my heart couldn't stand seeing her in such a weak state. She was standing up and trying to get out of her incubator. She wanted to come to me. The only thing I could do was watch and put my hand on the glass. I stuck my forehead on the glass and whispered: "I love you." Then, I put my hand on the cold glass and she kept licking it. She wanted me to hold her but I couldn't. It was already 1 am. The doctor said that the tests weren't done yet. We could go home and rest first and they'd call us. We decided to go home. The last thing I said to her was: "Hang in there, I'll see you soon and I'll take you home. Everything will be okay."

On our way home, we picked up some food for dinner. When we got home, our other dog, Boo, was looking for her. She sniffed our clothes, ran round the apartment and she kept staying by the door. It was as if she was waiting for her friend to come in. We took Boo downstairs for her nightly walk. I felt empty. I couldn't eat much. I didn't have the appetite even though I had eaten only 1 meal that day. I tried to get some sleep but when I had finally fallen asleep. We received a phone call from the vet. It was 3am.

My little angel had had a heartattack and she went into seizure and passed out. Her heart stopped beating for a while but they brought her back and she was in a coma. The doctor said that I shouldn't come for my own sake and that she's stable. While running some tests, her heart gave out. I lay in bed, crying my eyes out and I couldn't help myself. I buried my face in my pillow, curled up and cried so hard. I couldn't breathe. I just kept crying. I cried myself to sleep that night.

At 940am, while we were on the way to the vets, we received another phone call. This time, it got worse. The lady on the phone said my dog passed away 5 minutes ago. I couldn't believe it. I screamed:"WHAT?????" Then I hung up and fell on the floor, on my knees with my forehead to the cold, wooden floors and my hands over my head, screaming: "She's dead, she's gone...she's dead..." I called my Mom and told her the news. I couldn't say anything else but "she's dead." My Mom kept telling me to pull myself together but I kept crying.

As the cab made it's way to the street where I'd find my little dog, tears continued to stream down my cheeks. My knees were weak and I couldn't walk straight. I went to the receptionist and said, "I have a black pomeranian, I got a call..." The lady cut me off and told me that I may go inside. She lead me to the room. I walked up to the incubator. The machines were turned off and as I moved closer, there she was, wrapped in a white towel with her eyes open. I could see the light from her eyes was gone. She was gone. Her eyes, once so full of love, were dead still and empty. I fell against the incubator and held myself up with my arms against the metal railing. I kept repeating to myself: "'m so sorry...I'm so sorry..." I kissed her on the head. I tried to close her eyes but they wouldn't shut. I think she was waiting for me but she couldn't fight it anymore. She had to give in. It's hard to remember, I'm choking back tears right now as I continue to type this. I kissed her head and I said: "I love you...I'll miss you...thank you for everything...I'm so sorry..." I took away all the tubes strapped to her. I pulled them away. I took off the bright pink bandage they'd wrap around her arm, where they put in the dextrose tube. I put it in my pocket...something to remember her by. I took a moment and wrapped her in that white towel and took her out of the incubator. I held on to her lifeless body as I kissed her on her head.

I put her back down and we went to the reception area. The receptionist said that if we'd like to speak with the doctor, she'd be available soon. The doctor who took care of my dog had already gotten off shift. Her case was passed onto a female vet. I walked into her office with Cris and I asked what happened. She said: "Well, everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong." They couldn't identify the main cause of her breakdown because she was seriously ill. The vet said she was surprised that the dog lasted for 14 years. The problems that she had should have been there for years. I had only had her for months. I kept crying and I had to take a while to breathe and calm down so I could speak. The vet was almost in tears because she could see how hard it was for me. She said: "You have a good heart to take in such a sick dog. I'm sure she knows you love her. You gave her a chance." We agreed that the hospital could dispose of the body. We live in a city, where else could I have her buried?

On our way home, I tried to keep the tears from falling. I wasn't talking and I was just thinking to myself...thinking about all the pain she'd been through. Cris couldn't stand seeing me like that. She said we'd go walk around the area. She wanted to buy me another dog. We went into each pet store we passed by. We finally saw this one dog that we both thought was cute. She was a pomeranian, too. Cris wanted to find the closest ATM machine to get cash. When we went back to the pet store, we asked if we could see the dog...touch her. The lady opened the cage and gave the dog to me. The dog was immediately all over me and the first thing she did was grab my nose. We thought: "She's the one." So, we bought her.

Jaja passed away on the 29th March, 2005. On that same day, we took PJ home. On the cab ride home, we were deciding what to name her. As usual, Cris thought of all these cutesy-horrible names to give a dog. I think the dog didn't like the names either. She wasn't responding to the names anyway. We used to call jaja "potskie" so I gave it a go. While the new dog was walking around the cab seat, I called her "Potskie" then she looked at me. So then, we named her PJ. P junior that is. Strange name for a female dog but oh well, it works. When we got home, we put PJ down so she could see her new home. She immediately chased our Boo around. I took the bright pink band of Jaja out of my pocket and wrote: "Potskie 29/3/2005" on it. Then I put it in my desk drawer and until now, I still keep it there. I still keep her clothes here and I carry her picture in my wallet. I'll always remember the joy she brought in my life and I know I'll never forget the sight of her laying there in that incubator for the rest of my life. I still miss her. I know I always will.


thess said...

I could still remember the excitement in you when you told me about her adoption, her story, her problems, her being a strong and sweet dog..showed me her photos, lovely moments. I also remember that day when you were on your way to the vet to take Jaja, has told me that she's bleeding..I was like: my little baby (you) has grown up to be a responsible, loving and caring individual...Jaja's lucky
I have waited for months to hear about her departure as it was so hard for you to relive it, the last time we talked. I hope that somehow, releasing this has given you a bit of fresh air..and if I may say again, you are a good 'parent'. I'm proud of you!'Always been....'miss you Robbie (husband's been asking about you, btw)

'hope to see Potskie now, probably grown bigger ^_^

liljunkie18 said...

Hi...yeah its been a while. ive been having a hard time but i am dealing and coping. i think ive just been through a little more than i can handle. im alright, im getting by. ive been dealing with some health issues. im on medication right now and hopefully ill be okay soon. pj is doing great. shes a menace but well, shes still a puppy. shes a sweet dog. sometimes i think im just too much of a mess. i think i need therapy of some sort.

TaLhey said...

hi, i started reading your entry last night and refused to finish it after a few lines. but decided to finish it with heavy heart and shedding tears as well. i can't imagine myself losing YuRee, even just the thought of it. pj is not the replacement of jaja, but she's the reminder for you to hang in there because she needs you. may you feel better soon!

liljunkie18 said...

truthfully, i dont have much happy memories even though i try to much as i try to. its hard having a photographic memory cause little things like images, sounds and smells can trigger things in my head that would make me remember. its hard getting through. i have enough demons from the past to deal with. im coping. well, thanks for taking time to read such a long post. i know a lot of people would lose interest just by the length of it. thanks...thanks a lot.

annabanana said...

i have lost pets before, and i can emphatize. reading your post made me cry, i was re-living the horrors of the last hours with a beloved pet. i have discovered this wonderful poem, and i shared it with thess when she lost her beautifukl danielle, and i'm sharing it with you now. :),

if the link doesn't work, please try googling "rainbow bridge", i'm sure you'll be able to read the poem.

liljunkie18 said...

hi anna,
thanks for the link. i found the poem. see, the thing with me is, i i seem to be alright. i mean, i thought i was, but then i found myself crying all over again. i dont know whats wrong with me. i think im okay but then months or weeks later, i cry about the same old thing. im just weird like that. anyway, thanks for the poem. i really appreciate it.